I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
