Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
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Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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