Jerry, you need to find god
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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