'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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