I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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