fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
