Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
