what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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