M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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