that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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