Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
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The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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