So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
But we have bathrooms and they dont
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
