New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
