who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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