Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
