The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
