i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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