So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
