I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Randomize
