Whatcha textin bout Willis?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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