he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
