I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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