Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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