the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
