I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
