i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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