I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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