Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
