he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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