your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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