I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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