shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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