Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
