im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
