Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
