i already hear my dad disowning me
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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