I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
