If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
