she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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