They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
