Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
