Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
