I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
