the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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