Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
