I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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