dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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