she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
