I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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