what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
