just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
