U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Betty ford says i'm here all night
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.