In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS