Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed