so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
