I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
