she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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