Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
