Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
