My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
They took my balls.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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