I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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